I think this is EXACTLY something you don't want. You want to get drunk but without hangover. That's the whole purpose of alcohol. In addition, throat, stomach an colon cancers are common problems among those consuming alcohol. This is due to acetaldehyde, an oxidation product of ethanol. You want to keep the level of acetaldehyde as low as possible in your digestive system. Alcohol oxidase enzyme does exactly the opposite since the reaction products of alcohol are acetaldehyde H2O2.

Umm - I don't want to get drunk at all.
Regarding acetaldehyde, just add something to the brew to detoxify it. One problem at a time.

This would be amazing for me. My girlfriends parents love to partake in "merriment." If I could take a pill, drink what I normally do, and give the difference of glial cells a happy life I would be estatic.

What's wrong with just a milk shake?

Umm - I don't want to get drunk at all.
What you personally want or not is irrelevant in objective discussion and it shouldn't be discussed here. The getting high is the main reason, why MOST OF human apes are consuming alcoholic beverages.

1 glass of water per glass of alcohol. Problem solved.